Unscrewed

Isn't self reflection interesting? Amazing how when you pay attention to the body, self reflection is just the next "logical" step... So, if you have been following my blog for a few years you are aware that about 2 1/2 years ago a relationship that I invested time, lots of money, and heart into ended abruptly (in my eyes) and not in a pretty way. Shortly afterwards, I broke my ankle (trimalleolar fracture with dislocation, with so much swelling they couldn't do surgery for almost a month. This landed me on the couch and out of work for about 3 months. I had lots of ugly feelings to work through, and if you know the metaphysical work of Louise Hays ankle, accidents, and swelling represent the ability to receive pleasure, inability to speak up for the self, anger, and clogged painful thinking. All three applied to me at that point. The gift was that I had 3 months to do nothing except breathe, pray, read, examine my own feelings, and watch the world go by (summer to fall, which was gorgeous!). I was so grateful for the time to process as I was very angry. I felt betrayed, I felt like a "fool" for trusting, and I had invested all my money in anothers' education and home that I had absolutely nothing to live on. Once again the Universe supplied. I had clients purchase gift certificates to be used when I was healed, I received medicaid which covered the cost of surgery, and I had a very understanding landlord who allowed me to run a tab to be paid in the future. Folks brought me food (and what a beautiful selection!), and the young man next door (who I have grown to think of as a son) took my dogs out and brought me dog food. I was in awe of the generosity and support of my community. That in itself was a huge gift. Anyway, recently my ex has come up in a number of conversations, folks wondering about what I think of him, would I recommend him, etc. Then on fb his picture appeared on a friends wall and I was shocked at my response (internal). I was furious that he looked happy. This surprised me as I thought I had really processed the whole thing two years earlier. Then, last week two of the screws in my ankle began working their way out so I went to see the doctor and yes indeed they needed to be removed. Wow, was that ever my body talking to me or what. Amazing the correlation between my thoughts and my physical body. And my body was telling me it was time to really let go of the "screws". It was telling me I am ready. I don't need that energy... So this morning I did some "work" wishing him well. Praying that his family is filled with abundance, that his estranged relationship with his children is healed, that his heart is whole and that whatever our karma was is now fulfilled. I only share this because I know we all have those "ouchy" places in ourselves. All humans if they live on this earth have been disappointed, lied to, hurt, abandoned, used, and kicked around. AND the only way to heal those wounds is to EXAMINE YOUR OWN HEART, YOUR OWN INTERNAL LANDSCAPE, AND OWN SOME KIND OF SPIRITUAL PRACTICE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO LET GO AND LOVE AGAIN. Its not easy, its not always pretty what we see inside ourselves, and it can take time (like 2 years...), but it is surely worth it. I now feel released. I feel ready to not only be "unscrewed" in my head and heart, but in my body too!! Once again, thanks be to the Universe and the amazing life experience that has been my most wonderful teacher! Namaste y'all!!

Language

Did you ever wonder about language? I do. This mornings wonderings were: How fascinating that there are only 26 letters in the alphabet, yet there are millions, even trillions of words. And those words combined in different ways create sentences and how many sentences create a book and how many books are there just in your own house? Lets take the letter W. How many words just off the top of you head can you come up with that begin with W? Here are a few that came to me as I pondered this morning. Winter Whisper Wallow Wind Whimsical Wonder Why What When Who Waft Wish Wedding Wane Wax Whore Whole West Without White Well Washed Whimper Whisker Wonderlust Ok, ok, you get the idea. Now, how many sentences can you put together from these words? A few? Lots? Hundreds? And how many of those words when you say them, or hear them, or see them, trigger an emotional response? How many are you attached to meaning one thing or another? Lots of them, right? Then if you think about that, maybe someone else might have a different emotional attachment so when you speak them them hear something totally different because they don't actually hear the word you are saying they "hear" in their body the emotional response they have to the word. Could this be why communication can often be challenging, especially if you are not aware of who you might be speaking to. And what their experience with the word might be... So, now that you have had a little "peak" into the morning wonderings of my oh so fascinating thoughts, I say ... Go in peace, and serve the words...

Owl Medicine

Sometimes the Universe just completely surprises me. Since my move and marriage Fred and I have been spending time cleaning and de-cluttering so that our home is not his or mine, but OUR home. I have released, recycled, given away and surrendered lots and lots of things (furniture that was unnecessary, clothing that I haven't worn for a year, kitchen implements and nick nacks that held no real senitmental value). Doing this requires time and energy, which is probably why sometimes I resist (as do many others I'm sure). In a few of our most recent clean outs we went through our "spare" room. I always wonder why its called that. Probably because it is the collection space for things that you don't really need. Anyway, while cleaning the spare room Fred came upon an Owls Claw. When I held it and closed my eyes, my heart started racing, I felt dizzy, and I had the feeling I was flying. I had to open my eyes quickly to get my footing... So of course the Owls Claw stayed. Owl symbolizes the feminine and has been called "a cat with wings", which is very appropriate for me as I have inherited 5 cats in my union with my love. Owl also represents magic, omens, silent wisdom and vision in the night before I go to sleep at night I hold it and ask for guidance in the dream world. I ask my owl spirit for protection, for clear signs, and for memory of what will serve me when I wake up. I haven't "heard" her name yet, but I am sure she will reveal it to me in good time. For now I am satisfied holding the claw, making my intention for dreaming clear, and waiting. And of course I'm sure, the Universe will completely surprise me!

Clear headed new years!

Thoughts about New Years... This year I have learned a lot about "Addiction", and I learned there is still more to understand... Someone I love dearly has completed a lengthy "rehab" this year and their experience afforded me the opportunity to get really clear on what's mine and what's not. It helped me to understand that loving someone does not mean that you bail them out of problems they behaved themselves into. Loving someone with an addiction is surely one of the hardest lessons and also most freeing lessons I have had in a long time. When a loved one has an addiction (no matter what the substance or behavior is) they often times with "pull on the heart strings" of family and friends. They will want to be rescued. They will blame everyone (the whole world) for their addiction. They become not themselves. Its actually fascinating to be able to lovingly detach and witness the addiction. Its fascinating to me that ANYONE would choose this way of being in the world, but it does happen. And it takes a lot to release the need and desire for the addiction. AND it only happens when someone is ready. Not before... So, in order to support the person I love in their dance with addiction, we had an alcohol free New Years. And, it was lovely! WE laughed, we ate great food, we all worked together doing dishes, and we got to know each other a little bit more without the use of any mind altering substances... Happy Sober New Years Y'all!!