Fertilizer and flowers

Most folks would say I am pretty positive. And I would say that too. I would say that I can usually see the good, and recognize the suffering of others and have compassion and empathy. Most folks have never experienced my "non positive" side, because I often process on my own, quietly, with respect for those around me, so that they don't have to experience the "pissiness" of me while I am figuring my own stuff out... I call that process "Being fertilized". So recently I posted two rather direct, non positive, non compassionate posts on my facebook wall. And one good friend privately contacted me to share their feelings and share how my post made them feel not so good. And I really appreciate that feedback. The conversation about having compassion for others while they are struggling, and sometimes others suffering is not a choice, made me think... about things that have been out of my control for the past 6 months. Of course I believed that "controlling" my feelings and keeping the part of my self that was experiencing fertilization was a good thing, I have recently come to see (thanks for the wasps who crawled up my pants) that keeping my feelings controlled has not been good for ME... So yesterday out of anger and frustration I posted "If your life sucks change it... The end" (which I have taken down) and it hurt some of my friends who are struggling with the fertilization process also. And it made me realize that what is happening is happening for a reason, and yes it is sucky for me financially. And it is sucky for some of my clients as I had been previously been able to offer free cancer massage and did other volunteer services in the community and due to anothers life choices I am not able to do that... So I sat with this. And I asked myself, can I still volunteer? Do I really believe that the Universe will step in and

take care of the expenses that I will be unable to pay if I do less paying massage? I already do trade for some food and other life necesitities, but the fact is taxes need to be paid, banks are not interested in trading for my car loan, Geico could care less if I don't pay because they will just push a button and end my insurance, and growing kids need to have clothes and shoes that fit them... AND What's the worst thing that could happen if I just stopped believing that this other persons life choices are affecting me. So I decided to look at the past few months of this "out of my control" life situation and change it. I decided to think about it as a fertilization process. I thought about that word. And in my thinking I was paying attention to the beautiful flowers that surround me on a daily basis. And I decided its okay for me to feel anger about this. Its okay with me to not be happy with this person. And its okay for me to express it so that it doesn't get stuck inside me... AND it just means that with this process, while I am in the depths of sh*tty feelings, my roots are being strengthened. AND soon, sweet fruit and a more vibrant beautiful flower of myself will emerge. My hope is that the 90% of my positivity will out weigh the 10% of my fertilizer that may occasionally seep out in the form of hurtful words or facebook posts. The End... (for now)...