Wednesday, November 27, 2013

A feeling, a thought, a lump

I had this feeling. It was a strong feeling. It was in response to something someone chose to do which I had not one ounce of control over, yet was affected by the outcome of their choice in my daily life experience. That feeling became a thought. A BIG thought. A thought that ran amuck in my brain. And I tried to stuff if. I tried to think about it differently. I used words and sentences like "everything happens the way it is supposed to" and "So it is" and "wish it was different but its not" and on and on and on... That thought went wild. It took on a life of its own. And I, I tried like crazy to stuff it. To quiet the thought and the feeling. I got very busy. I worked a lot. I made excuses for the others behavior. I prayed. I did my daily practice of meditation and QiGong. I thought I was doing okay with it... Then the body took over. That poisonous thought was trapped in a mire of gook. It was wrapped up and tucked away. It became a bit of phlegm that kept tickling my throat. And when I finally admitted I was really angry, I REALLY felt it. I wanted to scream... But I didn't. Cause that just wouldn't be nice. And what good would it do anyway. So I stuffed it some more. And like the saying goes, its called unconscious for a reason, cause we don't know until we know. And the body wants us to know. And the body has no agenda, just holds the job of making sure we feel happy living inside of it. And the body speaks softly at first: Insomnia. Red dreams. Agitation. No patience. little aches and pains begin to appear without you doing one darn thing. And when it is not heard, guess what the body does. IT SCREAMS, and that feeling and thought that you worked so hard to stuff becomes hard. It becomes a hard lump. A lump in your throat that you just cant cough out. And the body says, will you pay attention now. Will you allow yourself to be angry. Will you look at it, write about it, laugh at it, have a temper tantrum, pray pray pray and image it being sent out to the sun to be healed, cleansed, harmonized and balanced? Will you spend more time turning inward. Will you grab the bull by the horns and say enough with that? Will you take more time and breathe? And in that moment, that underlying feeling and thought that you really thought you had worked through, becomes conscious. And you are now aware :) And with awareness the possibility of healing that lump in my throat becomes real. And the need to practice gentleness with myself becomes real. Because we really don't know until we know. No matter how smart we are, or evolved we believe ourselves to be, or how much we practice meditation and talk about loving unconditionally or chant or write or whatever it is we do to raise our vibration. We just don't know until we know, we can't see until we see, and no matter how much we try to make it different, life will show us when we are ready, So today I am aware. Today I am being gentle with myself. Today I am softening my heart. Softening the lump in my throat. Softening the feelings little by little, knowing that this too shall pass... or it won't... and I will be okay either way. Namaste y'all.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

light or when light broke in is the "prompt" of today's writing assignment. Such a huge topic. It encompasses everything. Thoughts about when light broke in to my life personally, from this mornings sunlight that snuck out from around the curtains to the life changing events that were so large I thought I would not be able to contain them. From the astonishing joy of a client who has no more pain, to the intense conversations between parents when their parenting styles clash. I also wonder what exactly light is, and I hear the phrase "don't put your light under a bushel, if you do you'll lose something kind of crucial" (I think that comes from a song in the musical Godspell). This makes me wonder about darkness... So if folks who write about very dark events, or sing about sadness and suffering are living their purpose by sharing darkness, then could dark also be light? Could it be light when the dark song or word sparks a memory for someone, touches someones heart, opens their humane-ness, reminds them of whats really important, opens the flood gates of tears so that their spirit can be cleansed. Could all those dark commercials from the ASPCA that show animals suffering actually be light, because the purpose of this darkness is to allow viewers the opportunity to open their hearts and wallets so that the suffering ends. Could dark be light? Could sadness and suffering be light? Could the arch angel who left heaven to hold the energy of hell so that dark and light could both exist actually be holy? Could those who harm us so that we can learn about compassion, grace and mercy actually be light? If words that come to me when I ponder light are goodness, purity, authentic, clear sightedness, divine, bright, love, higher power, consciousness, collective, beams, ray, sun, daytime, burning candle, then can I also include words like sadness and suffering, since they are the teachers of love? I often have the experience (while among others) of symbolically opening my "super human cape" to let a sliver of light shine out from my chest, my heart, my center. The wider I open the stronger the beacon. Sometimes I go out to a shopping mall or grocery store just for the soul purpose of opening my cape... And when I do this I see a change in people's eyes. Those who seemed to be the walking dead suddenly shed the cloak of darkness. They look at me. There is a spark of recognition, and we smile to each other. In that moment there is light. In that moment there is hope. In that moment there is the beginning of so many possibilities for both of us. And in the end I conclude that light brakes in always. In the moments. In the darkness. In the daytime. In a smile. In my joy. In your joy. In life. Love, Janet

Saturday, November 2, 2013


Things are shifting once again, and I feel a peeling away of another layer... Yesterday I saw the Enders Game. The message of the movie was about how fear destroys and love supports and creates (basically). As I sat in the theater I was speechless and paralyzed. I could feel all my cells shifting, like they were trying to align in a different way. I know this feeling. It happened when I saw Avatar (after witnessing that movie things shifted for me internally, and then externally...). The question that kept coming to me was how can we love another species (from the movie) when we can't even seem to love our own? I thought about the horrors of the news shows, the papers, the internet sensationalisms, healthcare, governmental shutdowns, poverty, war, children and women suffering, etc. These thoughts brought about fear. I could feel it. Then I turned my attention to my breath, and the hand I was holding of my love who sat patiently waiting for me to get up and move. And I softened. The tense feeling seemed to wash away and I was able to leave the theater, but the shift was still happening. We did not speak in the car on the way home. Neither one of us. Both lost in our own thoughts, our own experience... When we got home, we talked a little about what was happening, and we immediately grabbed our Bru dog and Toby cat and made our way to the woods. The woods, the place where everything makes sense. Where, no matter who you are, you are provided for. Where energies balance, and small magical creatures show themselves, and trees speak... Now I must regress so that you can get the full picture of this shift for me: As a little girl all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I knew this was my calling. My friends all had big dreams of being lawyers, doctors, nurses, teachers, actresses, writers, etc... But me, all I wanted to do was have children. It seemed to be in my bones (and wow is it in my chart)... So, as I always did, with much dismay and disappointment to my parents (at the time) who could only see the rational logical side of the situation, I got married and had my first child before I was 21. I so loved being a Mom, but it consumed me and I quickly learned that not paying attention to a husband makes for no more husband... I was alone. A young mother, with no education, and no money, no car, lots of lack as predicted by my parents... But I had my son. And I gathered my friends who helped with babysitting so I could work and support us. And I was in love with Momhood... The same thing happened 7 years later when I had my daughter. So much love in being a Mom, but not good choice of partnership, many lessons and truths learned and lots and lots of hard work to support the three of us. But again I was very happy in Momhood. Fast forward: I have recently been re-Mom'd... not by the physical act of childbirth, but by the marriage to a great man, who has a fabulous son. Our little threesome was surely not what I expected when we began. Custody was shared so my husband and I had family time and lots of our own time to explore our new relationship and dream about our future... This lasted but a short time. His son came to live with us full time and yup, wouldnt ya know it, shift happens again... This shift challenged all my beliefs about being a "good" Mom. My own criticisms of self reared her ugly head, as did pats on the back about what I accomplished with not a lot of help, my self sufficiency, my failures, my guilt of choices, my praises of look what Love can do, etc. All were being challenged. And for the past year I have gone back and forth with judgement of the other mother, with wanting to hold her accountable, with anger of what I have had to give up, with fear of having to live with a teenager full time with no financial help, and of course the big one, with judgement of myself for not being able to love unconditionally, which is my goal always. The good thing, it has made it absolutely necessary for me to be really committed to my spiritual practice. It has made it absolutely necessary for me to remember that causing another to suffer only brings more suffering for all of us. It has made it absolutely necessary for me to get really creative in finding time with my new husband. It has made it absolutely necessary for my own peace to carve our the time each day to be quiet and thankful and introspective. I have found myself saying "so it is" lots and lots. I have learned much about my own breathing patterns, when I am holding, when I can't take a deep breath, and what it truely feels like to really really breath. And of course the Universe continues to give me signs. Like this movie, like the upcoming event from my friend Ravi about forgiveness (of self and others), like the woods that just keep holding me through this all. Like the slow but steady healing of mother and son that continues to happen with the space we provide to both of them. And the always present love of my husband who doesn't think I'm batshit crazy, going back and forth with my feelings, until presently feeling more balanced with them and with the others whom I cannot (and do not want to) control... So, the questions I ask myself are: What is love really? It surely is not what I have been taught growing up, or what I've seen on TV. It is not keeping score, it is not tit for tat, it is not good or bad. It just is. And it can appear in the woods, in the softening of a judgement, it the birth of a child or a relationship or an idea... And, What really is a good mother. I think the answer is that we are all good mothers. We give birth, we suffer with the pain of this act, and with the pain and joys of our children's wins and losses (perse). We grow, we hang on, we let go, we make choices, we hope, we dream, we wish, we appreciate, and we sometimes really need to ask for help, with the physical act of parenting, and with the not so physical act of being gentle with ourselves in this process. Go see the movie. Question everything. Be still. Let go. and LOVE!