A feeling, a thought, a lump

I had this feeling. It was a strong feeling. It was in response to something someone chose to do which I had not one ounce of control over, yet was affected by the outcome of their choice in my daily life experience. That feeling became a thought. A BIG thought. A thought that ran amuck in my brain. And I tried to stuff if. I tried to think about it differently. I used words and sentences like "everything happens the way it is supposed to" and "So it is" and "wish it was different but its not" and on and on and on... That thought went wild. It took on a life of its own. And I, I tried like crazy to stuff it. To quiet the thought and the feeling. I got very busy. I worked a lot. I made excuses for the others behavior. I prayed. I did my daily practice of meditation and QiGong. I thought I was doing okay with it... Then the body took over. That poisonous thought was trapped in a mire of gook. It was wrapped up and tucked away. It became a bit of phlegm that kept tickling my throat. And when I finally admitted I was really angry, I REALLY felt it. I wanted to scream... But I didn't. Cause that just wouldn't be nice. And what good would it do anyway. So I stuffed it some more. And like the saying goes, its called unconscious for a reason, cause we don't know until we know. And the body wants us to know. And the body has no agenda, just holds the job of making sure we feel happy living inside of it. And the body speaks softly at first: Insomnia. Red dreams. Agitation. No patience. little aches and pains begin to appear without you doing one darn thing. And when it is not heard, guess what the body does. IT SCREAMS, and that feeling and thought that you worked so hard to stuff becomes hard. It becomes a hard lump. A lump in your throat that you just cant cough out. And the body says, will you pay attention now. Will you allow yourself to be angry. Will you look at it, write about it, laugh at it, have a temper tantrum, pray pray pray and image it being sent out to the sun to be healed, cleansed, harmonized and balanced? Will you spend more time turning inward. Will you grab the bull by the horns and say enough with that? Will you take more time and breathe? And in that moment, that underlying feeling and thought that you really thought you had worked through, becomes conscious. And you are now aware :) And with awareness the possibility of healing that lump in my throat becomes real. And the need to practice gentleness with myself becomes real. Because we really don't know until we know. No matter how smart we are, or evolved we believe ourselves to be, or how much we practice meditation and talk about loving unconditionally or chant or write or whatever it is we do to raise our vibration. We just don't know until we know, we can't see until we see, and no matter how much we try to make it different, life will show us when we are ready, So today I am aware. Today I am being gentle with myself. Today I am softening my heart. Softening the lump in my throat. Softening the feelings little by little, knowing that this too shall pass... or it won't... and I will be okay either way. Namaste y'all.