Momdom...

Things are shifting once again, and I feel a peeling away of another layer... Yesterday I saw the Enders Game. The message of the movie was about how fear destroys and love supports and creates (basically). As I sat in the theater I was speechless and paralyzed. I could feel all my cells shifting, like they were trying to align in a different way. I know this feeling. It happened when I saw Avatar (after witnessing that movie things shifted for me internally, and then externally...). The question that kept coming to me was how can we love another species (from the movie) when we can't even seem to love our own? I thought about the horrors of the news shows, the papers, the internet sensationalisms, healthcare, governmental shutdowns, poverty, war, children and women suffering, etc. These thoughts brought about fear. I could feel it. Then I turned my attention to my breath, and the hand I was holding of my love who sat patiently waiting for me to get up and move. And I softened. The tense feeling seemed to wash away and I was able to leave the theater, but the shift was still happening. We did not speak in the car on the way home. Neither one of us. Both lost in our own thoughts, our own experience... When we got home, we talked a little about what was happening, and we immediately grabbed our Bru dog and Toby cat and made our way to the woods. The woods, the place where everything makes sense. Where, no matter who you are, you are provided for. Where energies balance, and small magical creatures show themselves, and trees speak... Now I must regress so that you can get the full picture of this shift for me: As a little girl all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I knew this was my calling. My friends all had big dreams of being lawyers, doctors, nurses, teachers, actresses, writers, etc... But me, all I wanted to do was have children. It seemed to be in my bones (and wow is it in my chart)... So, as I always did, with much dismay and disappointment to my parents (at the time) who could only see the rational logical side of the situation, I got married and had my first child before I was 21. I so loved being a Mom, but it consumed me and I quickly learned that not paying attention to a husband makes for no more husband... I was alone. A young mother, with no education, and no money, no car, lots of lack as predicted by my parents... But I had my son. And I gathered my friends who helped with babysitting so I could work and support us. And I was in love with Momhood... The same thing happened 7 years later when I had my daughter. So much love in being a Mom, but not good choice of partnership, many lessons and truths learned and lots and lots of hard work to support the three of us. But again I was very happy in Momhood. Fast forward: I have recently been re-Mom'd... not by the physical act of childbirth, but by the marriage to a great man, who has a fabulous son. Our little threesome was surely not what I expected when we began. Custody was shared so my husband and I had family time and lots of our own time to explore our new relationship and dream about our future... This lasted but a short time. His son came to live with us full time and yup, wouldnt ya know it, shift happens again... This shift challenged all my beliefs about being a "good" Mom. My own criticisms of self reared her ugly head, as did pats on the back about what I accomplished with not a lot of help, my self sufficiency, my failures, my guilt of choices, my praises of look what Love can do, etc. All were being challenged. And for the past year I have gone back and forth with judgement of the other mother, with wanting to hold her accountable, with anger of what I have had to give up, with fear of having to live with a teenager full time with no financial help, and of course the big one, with judgement of myself for not being able to love unconditionally, which is my goal always. The good thing, it has made it absolutely necessary for me to be really committed to my spiritual practice. It has made it absolutely necessary for me to remember that causing another to suffer only brings more suffering for all of us. It has made it absolutely necessary for me to get really creative in finding time with my new husband. It has made it absolutely necessary for my own peace to carve our the time each day to be quiet and thankful and introspective. I have found myself saying "so it is" lots and lots. I have learned much about my own breathing patterns, when I am holding, when I can't take a deep breath, and what it truely feels like to really really breath. And of course the Universe continues to give me signs. Like this movie, like the upcoming event from my friend Ravi about forgiveness (of self and others), like the woods that just keep holding me through this all. Like the slow but steady healing of mother and son that continues to happen with the space we provide to both of them. And the always present love of my husband who doesn't think I'm batshit crazy, going back and forth with my feelings, until presently feeling more balanced with them and with the others whom I cannot (and do not want to) control... So, the questions I ask myself are: What is love really? It surely is not what I have been taught growing up, or what I've seen on TV. It is not keeping score, it is not tit for tat, it is not good or bad. It just is. And it can appear in the woods, in the softening of a judgement, it the birth of a child or a relationship or an idea... And, What really is a good mother. I think the answer is that we are all good mothers. We give birth, we suffer with the pain of this act, and with the pain and joys of our children's wins and losses (perse). We grow, we hang on, we let go, we make choices, we hope, we dream, we wish, we appreciate, and we sometimes really need to ask for help, with the physical act of parenting, and with the not so physical act of being gentle with ourselves in this process. Go see the movie. Question everything. Be still. Let go. and LOVE!