Fertilizer and flowers

Most folks would say I am pretty positive. And I would say that too. I would say that I can usually see the good, and recognize the suffering of others and have compassion and empathy. Most folks have never experienced my "non positive" side, because I often process on my own, quietly, with respect for those around me, so that they don't have to experience the "pissiness" of me while I am figuring my own stuff out... I call that process "Being fertilized". So recently I posted two rather direct, non positive, non compassionate posts on my facebook wall. And one good friend privately contacted me to share their feelings and share how my post made them feel not so good. And I really appreciate that feedback. The conversation about having compassion for others while they are struggling, and sometimes others suffering is not a choice, made me think... about things that have been out of my control for the past 6 months. Of course I believed that "controlling" my feelings and keeping the part of my self that was experiencing fertilization was a good thing, I have recently come to see (thanks for the wasps who crawled up my pants) that keeping my feelings controlled has not been good for ME... So yesterday out of anger and frustration I posted "If your life sucks change it... The end" (which I have taken down) and it hurt some of my friends who are struggling with the fertilization process also. And it made me realize that what is happening is happening for a reason, and yes it is sucky for me financially. And it is sucky for some of my clients as I had been previously been able to offer free cancer massage and did other volunteer services in the community and due to anothers life choices I am not able to do that... So I sat with this. And I asked myself, can I still volunteer? Do I really believe that the Universe will step in and

take care of the expenses that I will be unable to pay if I do less paying massage? I already do trade for some food and other life necesitities, but the fact is taxes need to be paid, banks are not interested in trading for my car loan, Geico could care less if I don't pay because they will just push a button and end my insurance, and growing kids need to have clothes and shoes that fit them... AND What's the worst thing that could happen if I just stopped believing that this other persons life choices are affecting me. So I decided to look at the past few months of this "out of my control" life situation and change it. I decided to think about it as a fertilization process. I thought about that word. And in my thinking I was paying attention to the beautiful flowers that surround me on a daily basis. And I decided its okay for me to feel anger about this. Its okay with me to not be happy with this person. And its okay for me to express it so that it doesn't get stuck inside me... AND it just means that with this process, while I am in the depths of sh*tty feelings, my roots are being strengthened. AND soon, sweet fruit and a more vibrant beautiful flower of myself will emerge. My hope is that the 90% of my positivity will out weigh the 10% of my fertilizer that may occasionally seep out in the form of hurtful words or facebook posts. The End... (for now)...

I bow to you

I started out my 50th year with a movie called Dear John. My daughter and her love recommended it. They did tell me I would probably cry. And it was intense. They were not lying. So I did cry, and it was intense, and it evoked many many thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it takes something outside ourselves to make us pause, turn around, and look inward. This movie was that something. (along with the fact that I turned 50 today!). I turned the crying into deep breathing and started thinking about the hero in this movie. How he, even though hurting, used his resources for the good of another. And how his love, even though she was deeply deeply in love with him, married another for the good of his autistic child. And how both of these people seemed to really KNOW one another. How they remained connected through the years and although not closely in the physical sense, closely in the heart. Then I thought about how many people I feel so close to in my heart. And yet due to life circumstances we do not connect in the physical world. I thought about my past loves, and what each one taught me. I thought about my youth and how I (like all the others I knew at the time) tried on different faces and different loves to figure out which direction I would take. How I tried on different belief systems to see what felt the best to me. And how I made excuses for my choices, as if bargaining with the Universe, so I could feel I did “the right thing”... And then I fast forwarded to now. And how lately I feel even more deeply. Its a deep that I cannot articulate, but it wells up inside me often, and I am in awe of this energy that moves inside me, within and around me, and within and around all of us... As I was working yesterday a song came on (from the CD Grace) called “oh my beloved” and I began to cry (thankfully my client was face down on the table and didn’t witness this sappy side of self). Its been over the past ten years or so that I have “come home”. Until then I didn’t know I could love so deeply, or be loved so deeply. I didn’t know I could actually put down all walls and receive fully from another. I didn’t know I could have such compassion without attachment for another’s suffering, I didn’t know just how sweet ~ like REALLY REALLY SWEET life is... for ALL of us! OR DID I?? So I leave you with these words that are not mine, but I am holding them in my heart, my cells, my breath always. Much love and gratitude to all who I have known and loved, to all who I have known and at the time felt unlove towards, to all those whom I have not yet had the pleasure of knowing, I bow to you! ~ Janet Oh my beloved Kindness of the heart Breath of life I bow to you And I'm coming home, And I'm coming home And I'm coming home, And I'm coming home Oh my beloved Kindness of the heart Breath of life, I bow to you Divine Teacher Beloved Friend I bow to you Again and again! Lotus sitting on the water (Guru dev guru dev namo) Beyond time and space (Guru dev guru dev namo) This is your way (Guru dev guru dev namo) This is your grace (Guru dev guru dev namo) Ong namo guru dev namo Ong namo) This is your way Guru dev namo This is your way..