helping or hindering

Today is my day to just be. I blocked off the day so that I didn't take any appointments and just allow the Universe to direct my way... It is amazing how my mind works as I putter around the house, doing the chores that always need to be done, and remembering to breathe and pay close attention. Since I am paying close attention (to my thoughts and feelings) I thought I would share some pearls of personal knowledge/experience about kids and our relationship to them (this may also be for some folks information they can use in their love relationships or their relationships with their siblings and parents, and even in a work environment).

So here comes the rambling: My experience about the fine line between helping or hindering another's life (for me this refers to my / Jim's children) has been a re-assessment process for me since I was 20 and had my first beautiful child. As parents we often have an internal struggle with if I don't do (fill in the blank here) __________, then my child will be really be messed up, will hate me forever and everyone around me (my parents, siblings, and friends) will see me as a failure / bad parent. This was (notice I say WAS) one of my tapes that ran continually in my lovely creative imagination. This tape I found made me very controlling of my children's actions and behaviors for quite a long time. It wasn't until my second child was almost 13 and was beginning the age of experimentation, trying on lots of different faces, that I had the epiphany about control... A friend (who just happens to be a counselor) said to me (after a little altercation with Sara and a bad choice she made) "try to remember to use natural consequences, rather than imposing stringent "punishments" that you can't abide by". This was a huge light bulb that went on. I realized that reacting before thinking because of fear of the whatifs really did neither of us any good. I changed the way I thought. Instead of imposing my own consequences, I began looking for the natural consequences like -- because you did not tell the truth I am finding it hard to trust you when you say you are doing (a,b,c,), therefore until I begin to experience more truth from you, you will need to be chaperoned for all outside the home events (ie. football games, movies, getting together with friends, etc.). It took a few times of me retraining myself to think before I responded, but it began to get easier very quickly. My child was no longer confused about why she was being treated in a certain way and I was no longer punishing myself with long consequences that I couldn't stick by.

So, this leads me to my most recent re-assessment because of some trouble my step-son has gotten himself into. He is struggling because there are natural consequences for his actions. He is trying very hard to blame his parents, his x-girlfriend and he is not looking at his own behavior. At first, because he was really struggling his parents didn't know how to respond. Neither one of them wanted to be thought of as a bad parent so they went above and beyond... They allowed their child to speak to them with poison. They took it because they had the tape going round and round (just like I used to). After a few weeks of practicing natural consequences and reminding their child that this was his choice and that he needs to now figure out a way of behaving differently, he began behaving differently (go figure??!).

This has been an interesting process for me because I so remember a time with my eldest which was very similar. And I remember thinking if I don't help him fix this he may not make it... But, what I realized is this: When we think (send out that vibration) that someone is not capable of taking care of themselves we are telling them we don't think they are smart enough, creative enough, resourceful enough, grown up enough (etc) to live their life. We take away the joy (and sometimes suffering) that they need to reach their highest potential. We do them an unjustice, we hinder them because of our own fears.

My suggestion for you (and always for me too) is to ask yourself how you feel. How do I feel about __________ (again you fill in the blank), why do I feel this way, How can I feel differently if the feeling is not pleasant, and what is in the best interest of myself and those involved. Paying attention, although sometimes not the easiest, has always been for me the only way to grow, shift, change, -- easily and effortlessly -- with as little discomfort to myself as possible. This statement may sound "selfish" so some, but to me it is imperative. If I am uncomfortable in my life, then how can I support others to be the most comfortable authentic person that they can be? I choose to help, rather than hinder. How 'bout you?